Healthy Communication: How to Ask for What You Need
Healthy communication is one of the most powerful tools for building strong, connected relationships — whether with a partner, friend, family member, or colleague. Yet, many of us never learned how to clearly express what we feel and need.
A simple but effective formula can make a world of difference:
“I feel (insert feeling) when (situation) happens. Can you please (insert clear request)?”
This approach helps you speak from your own experience rather than blaming or criticizing. It invites understanding instead of defensiveness.
Example
Instead of saying:
“You never think about me — you need to try harder.”
Try:
“I feel nervous when I don’t hear from you when I expect to. Can you please call or text me if you’re running late?”
This version communicates the feeling, the situation that triggered it, and a clear, specific request that helps meet the underlying need.
Step 1: Identify What You Need
Before you can ask someone to meet a need, you first have to know what it is. Often, needs are linked to emotions or beliefs — for example, the need to feel safe, valued, or understood.
Ask yourself:
What emotion comes up for me in this situation?
What do I need to feel more secure or supported?
What could the other person do to help meet that need in a practical way?
Step 2: Be Specific and Concrete
Vague statements like “I need you to care more” are hard for the other person to respond to. Instead, aim for a clear, actionable request.
For example:
“I feel hurt and alone when we don’t see each other for long periods of time. Could we please plan one evening each week to get together?”
This not only expresses how you feel but gives the other person a tangible way to respond.
Step 3: Use the Cheat Sheet
If you’re not sure what you’re feeling or needing, here’s a quick guide to get you started.
Common feelings:
hurt • sad • angry • lonely • frustrated • worried
Common needs:
to feel important • to feel seen • to feel heard • to feel special • to feel supported
Why This Works
When you communicate in this way, you invite connection instead of conflict. You’re showing vulnerability, which helps others understand you on a deeper level. Over time, this kind of communication strengthens trust, empathy, and mutual respect.
Need Support Improving Communication?
Learning to express your feelings and needs takes time and practice — and sometimes it helps to have professional support along the way.
At Maple Key Counselling & Psychotherapy, our individual and couples therapists can help you build healthy communication habits, strengthen emotional connection, and navigate conflict more effectively.
📞 Reach out today to book an appointment with one of our therapists and start creating the relationships you want and deserve.